Success and Freedom

The One Life Skill You Can’t Afford to Neglect

By Sean Kelly

 

We live in an age of incredible irony.

Thanks to technology, we are without a doubt the most connected group of human beings to ever live on planet Earth.

This should be a good thing. As humans, we are social animals. Not only do we thrive on social bonds, but our success as a species can in part be explained by our propensity for connection.

We also know that bonding creates more productive teams and therefore better businesses.

And yet, in our social media obsessed world, where we focus more on individualism, self-expression and taking selfies than we do on community, actual human connection feels like it’s at an all-time low.

How can this be? Why is chronic loneliness at an all-time high in America when it’s easier to communicate with people than ever before? Why does it appear that we have political candidates who care more about protecting their ego and personal glory rather than serving our nation’s interests?

The first answer is that there’s a big difference between being connected and connecting. One is fleeting and addicting; the other helps us establish long-term connections and feel true joy and fulfillment. And we’re doing more of the former than the latter.

Here’s how I learned how to focus on connecting, and the incredible benefits it’s had for my life and business.
Raised to Be Individuals

In some respects, our culture and education in the U.S. conditions us to be suspicious of human connection.

Case-in-point: me.

When I was growing up in northern Michigan, like many kids, I was very self-conscious. Although I put on a façade and acted like I didn’t care, in reality I deeply cared about what people thought about me. I struggled with self-compassion, even into my 20s.

To help me cope with my condition, one of my mentors gave me this advice:“Sean, when you’re in your 20s, you care deeply about what other people think of you. When you’re in your 30s, you start to become surer of yourself and care less about what other people think. When you’re in your 40s, you realize people were never thinking about you in the first place.”

There’s definitely wisdom in this statement, but it was lost on me.

I thought if people weren’t thinking about me, then I had to make sure I was thinking about me. I felt as if I was on my own, and in order to make my mark, I had to put my head down and outwork everyone. I sprinted forward with the old mantra, “If you want a thing done well, do it yourself.” (Side note: This quote is attributed to Napoleon Bonaparte, one of history’s worst narcissists. Not someone you want to emulate when it comes to human connection.)

After graduating from Columbia University, I decided to test the entrepreneurial route in my early 20s. I pushed forth with my misguided worldview: me against the world. Although I was focused on creating social good and making it easier for people to eat healthily, I couldn’t help feeling isolated. I had dozens of employees, a business partner and many acquaintances, but many times I felt alone. And looking back, it’s no wonder I felt the way I did:

• I spent a lot of time helping others, but almost always for selfish purposes—so they could help me.
• I didn’t ask people for help when I needed it, because I thought that was a sign of weakness.
• I put on a façade and acted perfect, as if I had everything figured out because that’s what I thought people wanted to see in a leader.
• I would see other people’s accomplishments as taking away from mine—why didn’t I achieve what they did? Why wasn’t I good enough?
• I was incredibly judgmental of myself, struggling deeply with self-love and self-compassion, which in turn made me very critical and judgmental of others.

Sounds like a really fun guy to hang out with, huh?

But this is who I thought I was supposed to be. And crazily, this is who I thought people wanted me to be. In many ways, it’s who my upbringing and formal education taught me to be.